The Modem ReloadedRevolutions
by Black Cloak
Summary: A parody upon the Matrix sequels. Neo is haunted by the author's voice. Rated for strong language and sexual references. Chapter 4 is up. Classic slashers join the fray.
1. Reload your Mind

The Modem Reloaded/Revolutions  
  
Reload your mind  
  
(There is a building. All of the sudden someone jumps out the window like they're committing suicide. It's Trinity! Yes! Die bitch! There's an agent jumping out after her, and they're shooting at each other. Slowly. They're both horrible shots. Eventually the agent, who I'm going to call Bob, finally hits her right in the gut. Suddenly, her hair gel breaks loose. Then she hits some guy's car. Woohoo! Oh wait; Neo's waking up, with Trinity sleeping right next to him, meaning it was all a dream. Damn! Ah well, at least I won't have to wait forever.)  
  
NEO: Are you foreshadowing something?  
  
(Who, me?)  
  
TRINITY: Neo? Who are you talking to?  
  
NEO: Huh? I'm talking to the author.  
  
TRINITY: Silly. Aren't you a little old to believe in authors?  
  
NEO: Yeah, I guess it was just my imagination.  
  
(Dumbass.)  
  
NEO: I heard that!  
  
TRINITY: Heard what?  
  
NEO: Can't you hear that voice?  
  
(No, only the One can hear the author's voice. Watch as I screw with his mind for the entire fic.)  
  
NEO: (leaves)  
  
TRINITY: Where you going?  
  
NEO: To get hung over. Then I'll be able to justify this voice in my head.  
  
(It is fun to be god.)  
  
NEO: Stop it!  
  
(Bwahahahaha!)  
  
In the cockpit.  
  
MORPHEUS: Alright Tank, set her down over there. (looks) You're not Tank! Who the hell are you?  
  
LINK: I'm Link. The Wachowskis killed off Tank for some stupid, unexplained reason, and then picked a random Nintendo character to substitute for him, so here I am.  
  
MORPHEUS: Must have missed a memo.well, set her down there anyway.  
  
LINK: I don't have time for you. I have to go see Princess Zelda.  
  
MORPHEUS: Link, I really don't know what the hell you're doing here, but as long as you are, I need you to trust me.  
  
LINK: I do sir. (Morpheus looks meaningfully at him) I mean, I will sir.  
  
Meanwhile, in a cavern in the Matrix.  
  
NIOBE: The machines are digging into Zion. Bids will begin now.  
  
ICE: $1200.  
  
ROLAND: $2000.  
  
BALLARD: $3500.  
  
NIOBE: $3500. Anyone got higher?  
  
AXEL: $5000.  
  
CORRUPT: $8000.  
  
SOREN: $10,000!  
  
NIOBE: (whistles) OK, $10,000. Anyone got higher? Going once, going twice.  
  
GHOST: Hey, where's Morpheus?  
  
CORRUPT: Hey yeah. He was supposed to bring the pizza. And what are we bidding on anyway?  
  
ROLAND: Shut up! $20,000!  
  
SOREN: $30,000!  
  
MORPHEUS: (walks in dramatically) $50,000.  
  
SOREN: Damn, I can't beat that.  
  
ROLAND: Me neither.  
  
NIOBE: $50,000. Going once, going twice, sold, the Nebachanezzar crew.  
  
NEO & TRINITY: Yes! Wait, what did we win?  
  
MORPHEUS: That is not important. I apologize for being late, but as you know, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a decent pizza place these days.  
  
AXEL: Squiddys are hogging the lines at all our best spots.  
  
ICE: Who cares? We're hungry.  
  
(Morpheus and Trinity start passing out the pizzas, Neo hears something upstairs and goes to investigate. It'll probably turn out to be a rat or something.)  
  
At the door.  
  
Knock, knock  
  
WURM: (opens latch) Dominoes Pizza. How can I help you?  
  
SMITH: Oh, sorry. Must have the wrong place. Do you know a Neo?  
  
WURM: Maybe.  
  
SMITH: Give him this, make sure he gets it. (shuts latch)  
  
Knock, knock  
  
WURM: (opens latch again) What?  
  
SMITH: Can I get a double pepperoni pizza and a Coke?  
  
(Wurm shuts latch, walks away grumbling.)  
  
NEO: Who was here?  
  
WURM: How do you know someone was here?  
  
NEO: You just told me.  
  
WURM: Oh yeah. He gave you this.  
  
NEO: No, you did.  
  
WURM: Well, he told me to.  
  
(Neo opens package, a CD player is in it, he puts on headphones and turns it on.)  
  
SMITH'S VOICE: I'm coming for you Mr. Landerin. Bwahahahaha!  
  
NEO: My name's Anderson.  
  
SMITH'S VOICE: Whatever.  
  
(Neo pockets the headphones, turns to Wurm.)  
  
NEO: Tell everyone that the pizza party is over and to get the hell out of here.  
  
WURM: Awwww. I didn't get any pizza.  
  
NEO: Too bad.  
  
WURM: I'm not moving till I get some pizza.  
  
NEO: Agents are coming.  
  
WURM: Agents? Shit, I'm gone. (leaves)  
  
(Agents bust through door, see Neo.)  
  
AGENT 1: Oh shit.  
  
AGENT 2: It is the anomaly.  
  
AGENT 1: Do we proceed?  
  
AGENT 2: No. We get.  
  
AGENT 3: .the hell out of here.  
  
(Agents run off screaming. And to think that Neo used to do that when he saw them.)  
  
NEO: I did not!  
  
(Did too.)  
  
NEO: Did not!  
  
(Did too.)  
  
NEO: DID NOT!  
  
(Did too. This is great.)  
  
NEO: I DID NOT- (looks up into the sky) Hey, a balloon! (flies off to try and catch it)  
  
(We all know that he did. Sissy.)  
  
In Morpheus's car.  
  
CELL PHONE: Ring, ring, ring.  
  
MORPHEUS: (answers phone) Hello? No, you have the wrong number. I didn't order anything. (hangs up, phone rings again, he answers) Damnit, I didn't order anything!  
  
LINK: Sir?  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, sorry Link. Uh, where's Neo?  
  
LINK: He's pretending to be Superman again.  
  
(Up in the sky, it's a fucking bird, it's a fucking plane, it's motherfucking Neo, wearing a Superman costume, humming the fruity theme song to himself. Does anyone else hate that tune? It is just so gotdamn irritating.)  
  
NEO: Not true. That tune is classic.  
  
(Oh yeah, and your opinion is extremely valid on these matters.)  
  
NEO: Leave me alone!  
  
(I will haunt you always. Always. Because you will die midnight tomorrow night.)  
  
NEO: I wonder if this voice has anything to do with that disturbing videotape I watched five days ago.  
  
FLASHBACK TO FIVE DAYS AGO: Neo is watching a "Girls Gone Wild" tape. It warps his fragile little mind.  
  
(.No, that's just coincidental.)  
  
NEO: But after I watched it, my phone rang, and a freaky voice said, "You're going to die in seven days, and score in six".  
  
(Marilyn Manson?)  
  
NEO: Yeah, I think so.  
  
(Damn pervert. He must be selling "The Ring: Porno Edition" again.)  
  
NEO: COOL! You mean I'm going to have sex tonight?  
  
(Um, yeah. You just keep thinking about that part, weirdo.)  
  
NEO: Score! (looks around) Hey, where's that balloon? (looks down at the ground) Oooh, a nickel! (flies down to the ground so fast he creates a tornado out of the clouds. A guy walking past looks down.)  
  
GUY: Oooh, a nickel! (picks it up and walks away)  
  
NEO: (lands) Damnit. (notices the tornado he created destroying the city) Whoops.  
  
(Dumbass.)  
  
NEO: How long do you plan to keep this up?  
  
(Until your death.)  
  
NEO: That seems kind of like provoking suicide.  
  
(Well, just take off the stupid Superman costume then.)  
  
On the next chapter:  
  
Neo has to take a piss  
  
Neo goes to Zion  
  
Neo listens to Morpheus make a speech  
  
Neo has sex with Trinity 0.0  
  
Neo gets annoyed by an old guy  
  
Neo is the only one not obsessing over Slurpees  
  
Neo gets hung over  
  
Neo is haunted by yours truly ^_^  
  
Please review 


	2. Enter the Real World

The Modem Reloaded/Revolutions  
  
Thank you all for your positive reviews. Be sure to let me know if I need any improvements. If you like this story, then you'll probably like "The Matrix Parodies" by Rusty Shackleford. If you don't like this, you'll still probably like "The Matrix Parodies" by Rusty Shacleford. And for all two of you liked The Animatrix, nobody gives a damn.  
  
Disclaimer: Forgot to add this in the first chapter. I do not own The Matrix, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Ring, and DEFINITELY NOT The Ring: Porno Edition or Marilyn Manson. If you do own Mr. Manson, then I advise you to stay the hell away from me.  
  
2. Enter the Real World  
  
(Neo enters some building, and walks up to a door. Thankfully, he is no longer wearing that Superman costume. I'm still gonna screw with his mind though.)  
  
NEO: Man, I need to take a piss. (looks at sign on door) Oh, this is the girl's room. Oh well.  
  
(He enters the room. Pervert.)  
  
NEO: (looks around) Wait a minute, this isn't the bathroom. This is the Oracle's waiting room. It was here that I met that spoon kid.  
  
FLASHBACK TO MEETING THE SPOON BOY:  
  
SPOON BOY: There is no spoon.  
  
NEO: Huh? Then what the hell am I holding here in my hand?  
  
SPOON BOY: That's a fork.  
  
NEO: Well you didn't have to say it meaningfully like that as if it was all- important information.  
  
END FLASHBACK:  
  
NEO: I never understood that kid.  
  
(That's because you're a stupid dumbass.)  
  
NEO: I thought you were going to leave me alone.  
  
(I control this fic, and everything in it. For example, I can make you do the chicken dance.)  
  
NEO: (does the Macarena).  
  
(What the hell is this?)  
  
NEO: I don't know the chicken dance.  
  
(Um, okay. Shouldn't you jack out or something?)  
  
NEO: But I have to go to the.  
  
(Only in the Matrix. Not in the Real World.)  
  
NEO: Ah, alright.  
  
In Zion.  
  
(The Nebachanezzar enters the gate of Zion. As it lands, complex gears shift into place to close the gate. In the background, you see some guy nailing a board to the wall. The Nebachanezzar opens it's doors, and Neo, his bitch, Link, and Morpheus exit the ship. Mifune comes to meet them with some other captains.)  
  
MIFUNE: Captain Morpheus.  
  
MORPHEUS: (struggling to keep a straight face) Captain Mifune.  
  
(Neo and Link are chuckling behind him.)  
  
MORPHEUS: Are you here to take me the stockade, Captain Mifune. (snickering)  
  
MIFUNE: No, I'm here to take you to Deadbolt's office. He'll probably do it. I'm just here to keep the peace.  
  
CAPTAIN: Commander Lock DEMANDS. (Mifune steps on his foot) requests, your IMMEDIATE presence.  
  
MORPHEUS: You are an asshole.  
  
MIFUNE: Yeah, you are.  
  
(Captain runs off crying, Mifune takes Morpheus to Lock's office.)  
  
LINK: Well, I need to go see my princess. (whistles, Epona the horse comes riding up to him, he mounts his steed and rides off)  
  
TRINITY: Who is he? And what happened to Tank?  
  
NEO: No idea. Let's keep moving before that damn kid finds me.  
  
KID: NEO!  
  
NEO: Shit.  
  
KID: NEO! IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU NEO! I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU'RE BACK! CAN I CARRY YOUR BAG?!  
  
NEO: Sure.  
  
TRINITY: Can you carry mine too?  
  
LINK: (rides up to them) And mine?  
  
(They all give Kid their bags so that he is overburdened. Neo and Trinity walk off towards the elevator, Link rides off. Kid rummages through Neo's bag and pulls out his wallet. He snickers, pockets it, and continues rummaging.)  
  
In the elevator.  
  
(Neo and Trinity wait until the elevator is empty except for them, then they embrace and start kissing. They suddenly separate.)  
  
NEO: Your breath smells like garlic.  
  
TRINITY: Really? I thought that was you.  
  
NEO: What? No way! I brushed my teeth after the last movie.  
  
TRINITY: Oh. And how long ago was that?  
  
NEO: Uhhhhh.  
  
(Six months.)  
  
NEO: You! I thought that you only existed in the Matrix.  
  
(No such luck. Anyway, that's stupid thinking, considering I was haunting you since you woke up this morning.)  
  
NEO: I got hung over, I forgot.  
  
TRINTY: Neo, who are you talking to?  
  
NEO: It's the author.  
  
TRINITY: Neo, we've been through this.  
  
NEO: Have we? I got drunk, so I forgot.  
  
TRINITY: Neo, there's no such thing as an author.  
  
(Yes there is.)  
  
NEO: You stay out of this!  
  
TRINITY: Neo, I'm just trying to help.  
  
NEO: Not you, him!  
  
TRINITY: Who?  
  
NEO: The author!  
  
TRINITY: Urgh! Forget it. This is your problem, I'll let you figure it out. See you at the party tonight. (gets of the elevator)  
  
NEO: Grrr! I hate you! Get out of my head!  
  
(Make me.)  
  
NEO: Y'know what? I will! (takes out machine-gun and empties the clip before remembering that I'm just a voice in his head)  
  
(Dumbass.)  
  
NEO: Damnit! I'm going to go get drunk.  
  
In Lock's office.  
  
(Mifune and Morpheus enter the office, Lock looks up.)  
  
LOCK: (trying to keep a straight face) Thank you Captain Mifune. You may go.  
  
(Mifune leaves, Morpheus and Lock wait until he's gone, then crack up.)  
  
MORPHEUS: MIFUNE! What kind of stupid name is that?!  
  
LOCK: I know, man! Dang!  
  
MORPHEUS: (calms down) Anyway, you wanted to see me?  
  
LOCK: Yeah. You disobeyed a direct order.  
  
MORPHEUS: Really? I don't remember that.  
  
LOCK: I gave you a direct order to return to Zion and to bring me back a Slurpee.  
  
MORPHEUS: No you didn't. And I did return to Zion.  
  
LOCK: Well, I'm thirsty. And I want someone to yell at. I'm going to make a recommendation to the councilors that you be removed from duty.  
  
MORPHEUS: Why? What did I do?  
  
LOCK: Nothing, I just don't like you. I want to make your life miserable.  
  
MORPHEUS: You already stole my girlfriend.  
  
LOCK: Morpheus, you dumped her.  
  
MORPHEUS: Well that's because she cheated me out of $50,000.  
  
LOCK: Really? Shit, I'd better dump her, or she'll cheat me out of my money.  
  
MORPHEUS: By the way, did she tell you?  
  
LOCK: Tell me what?  
  
MORPHEUS: We've got 50,000 sentinels digging into Zion. They'll be here by tomorrow night.  
  
LOCK: Well crap, that sucks. We'd better focus on military tactics, having every ship here in Zion, and protecting our Slurpee machines.  
  
MORPHEUS: That's their target. They ran out of Slurpees, so they've come to pillage ours. With all due respect Commander, there is only one way to protect our Slurpees. Nemo.  
  
LOCK: Nemo? Don't you mean Neo?  
  
MORPHEUS: No. Captain Nemo of the Nautilus has offered his services to the Zion fleet.  
  
LOCK: Isn't Captain Nemo a fictional character?  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh yeah. Crap, now all we have is Neo.  
  
LOCK: Shit.  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes.  
  
(Councilor Hamman enters.)  
  
HAMMAN: Commander, Captain.  
  
MORPHEUS: Councilor.  
  
HAMMAN: The other councilors have asked me to speak tonight after the game. I'm too old and lazy, so Morpheus, you're gonna do it.  
  
MORPHEUS: Very well.  
  
LOCK: Is that really such a good idea Councilor? We do not wish to start a panic.  
  
HAMMAN: Shut up Lock. Morpheus, what would you recommend?  
  
MORPHEUS: Slurpees.  
  
LOCK: Hey!  
  
MORPHEUS: No one will panic, because they'll all have brain freeze and won't hear a word I'm saying anyways. Besides, that army will never reach the gates of Zion.  
  
HAMMAN: What makes you so sure?  
  
MORPHEUS: Nothing, I'm just guessing that they'll take a wrong turn in those confusing tunnels.  
  
HAMMAN: Well, I hope you're right.  
  
MORPHEUS: Good, because I don't believe it to be a matter of time. I believe it to be a matter of hope.  
  
LOCK: No one mentioned time.  
  
MORPHEUS & HAMMAN: Shut up Lock!  
  
In Link's apartment.  
  
(Link approaches his door, ties up the horse next the door, and feeds him a carrot. He then enters the room.)  
  
LINK: Where's my pussy?  
  
CAS: LINK! That was a very inappropriate thing to say in front of the children!  
  
LINK: Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry. (sees kids) Hey!  
  
KIDS: Uncle Link!  
  
LINK: (picks up kids) Wow! You two are so huge, you should be picking me up.  
  
KIDS: No!  
  
LINK: Yeah! Alright, we're gonna have to work together now. One, two, three, lift!  
  
(The kids lift Link off his feet. He bangs his head on the ceiling and falls over on the ground.)  
  
CAS: Good to have you home Link.  
  
LINK: (mumbling) Good to be home.  
  
CAS: You be careful with her.  
  
ZELDA: (from back) Don't worry about me, he's the one who's gonna get it.  
  
CAS: OK, we'll leave you two alone. C'mon kids, we're going to the basketball game.  
  
(Cass and kids leave. Link gets off the ground and walks over to Zelda, rubbing his head.)  
  
LINK: I'm gonna get what?  
  
ZELDA: Every ship out there has been here two, even three times more than the Nebachenezzar.  
  
LINK: That's because Morpheus keeps getting sidetracking on our way home. Anyway, I thought we were past this.  
  
ZELDA: Apparently not. But we'll be past it when you sign up on a different ship.  
  
LINK: I can't do that.  
  
ZELDA: Why not?  
  
LINK: Because I'm too lazy to sign another resignation form. And because the Wachowskis are paying me top dollar to stay on board a ship with a dumbass, a bitch, and a cryptic bald guy.  
  
ZELDA: It's not fair. It's not fair that you get a better part than me, therefore you get paid more than I do.  
  
LINK: Nobody said it was gonna be fair. You think Morpheus thinks it's fair that Jada is playing Niobe and you're not?  
  
ZELDA: Link, Morpheus is crazy.  
  
LINK: No, he's just a little confused with his principles. (Zelda gives him a look) Alright, maybe he is a little crazy, but beggars can't be choosers. And I'm much happier on the Neb than in Hyrule. (shudders)  
  
Later, at the gathering.  
  
HAMMAN: Tonight, let us honor these men. These, our soldiers, our warriors. Give it up for, the Lakers! (loud cheering is heard) And now, for our annal (sniggers from audience) I meant annual, damnit! Annual! For our ANNUAL boring ceremony, I give you Morpheus.  
  
(Morpheus steps up to the podium. Loud cheering.)  
  
MORPHEUS: Silence! Hear me! (cheering continues) Damnit! Shut up! (cheering continues, Morpheus takes out a paper bag, blows air into it, and pops it, there is silence) Now that I have your attention, I shall make my speech. (clears throat) I have a dream, that one day, white people, black people, Chinese people, and machines can live in the same city, without having to go to war over Slurpees! I have a dream that we can share! (cheering)  
  
SOME GUY IN THE BACK: I want my own damn Slurpee.  
  
(Someone throws a rock at the guy in the back, knocking him out.)  
  
MORPHEUS: Um, yeah. Well that's my speech. Bye. (leaves, everyone starts dancing to jungle music)  
  
NIOBE: Hey Morpheus, baby.  
  
MORPHEUS: Shit.  
  
NIOBE: How's it going honey?  
  
MORPHEUS: Oh, uh fine. I'm fine.  
  
NIOBE: (seductively) Damn right you are. Let's dance.  
  
MORPHEUS: I really don't have time-(Niobe lifts up her shirt) Sure, why not?  
  
(Niobe and Morpheus dance. As they do, Niobe sneakily takes his wallet from his back pocket. Neo leans against a pillar antisocially. Trinity approaches him.)  
  
TRINITY: Hello Neo.  
  
NEO: How do you know my name?  
  
TRINITY: I know a lot about you.  
  
NEO: It was you at my computer. How did you do that? Wait a minute, didn't we have this conversation in the last movie?  
  
TRINITY: Yeah, it's like I'm having Déjà vu. They must have changed something in the Matrix.  
  
In the Matrix.  
  
(Some gay guy is crossing the street. Suddenly the walk sign turns into a don't walk sign, and he gets run over.)  
  
AGENT BOB: (with Déjà vu remote) Hehehehe.  
  
Back in Zion.  
  
TRINITY: Anyway, did you miss me?  
  
NEO: Yeah.  
  
TRINITY: I could tell.  
  
NEO: Then why did you ask?  
  
TRINITY: (shrugs) Well, you ready?  
  
NEO: Yeah, it's just, everyone's here.  
  
(I know. All of these hot, topless females dancing around, yet you have to make love to this bony little bitch. Sucks huh?)  
  
NEO: Bony little bitch?! What?!  
  
TRINITY: What did you just call me?!  
  
NEO: Huh? No, no, I didn't mean-  
  
TRINITY: You just called me a bony bitch! Well fine, if that's how you like it, I'll go find someone else to get hot with! (walks off)  
  
NEO: Trinity, wait! Argh! You! Stop ruining my love life!  
  
(Your love life is only the beginning. Besides, you're probably better off. Think of it as a mercy killer.)  
  
NEO: Oh great. So now who am supposed to get hot with?  
  
(You know, there's more to life than sex.)  
  
NEO: Oh, like what?  
  
(?O_O? You are just plain weird. I'll leave you to it.)  
  
NEO: Why does everyone hate me?!  
  
SOME GIRL: I think you're hot, Neo.  
  
NEO: Shut up! Leave me alone!  
  
(Girl runs away crying. Neo sits on his ass, brooding and feeling sorry for himself. Jackass.)  
  
After the party.  
  
MORPHEUS: Good night Zion. Sweet dreams.  
  
NEIGHBOR: Uh, Morpheus? Who are you talking to?  
  
MORPHEUS: Huh? Oh, uh, my fish! My pet fish. I named him Zion, after our glorious city.  
  
NEIGHBOR: Oh, OK. (starts to leave)  
  
MORPHEUS: (to city) Good night Zion. Sweet dreams.  
  
NEIGHBOR: What was that?  
  
MORPHEUS: Huh? Oh, uh, my cat. I was saying good night to my pet cat, also named Zion, after our glorious city.  
  
NEIGHBOR: Uh, okay. (starts to leave)  
  
MORPHEUS: (to city) Good night Zion. Sweet dreams.  
  
NEIGHBOR: Come again?  
  
MORPHEUS: For the love of-my dog. My pet dog, er, Zion.  
  
NEIGHBOR: How do you keep track of all these animals if they have the same name?  
  
MORPHEUS: Um, hey! It's 10:00! Isn't McGiver on?  
  
NEIGHBOR: Oh God, you're right! (rushes back to his apartment)  
  
MORPHEUS: Finally. Well, good night Zion. Sweet dreams.  
  
OTHER NEIGHBOR: What did you just say?  
  
MORPHEUS: Son of a-  
  
On the next chapter:  
  
Neo re-enters the Matrix.  
  
Neo fights some Asian guy, whom he confuses for Jackie Chan.  
  
Neo gets bored to death by the Oracle.  
  
Neo gets beat to death by countless clones of Smith.  
  
Neo learns of his quest to find the Nut Cracker.  
  
Neo's life is slowly destroyed thanks to me.  
  
Please review 


	3. Mr Anderton

The Modem Reloaded/Revolutions  
  
I hope that you enjoyed the last chapter. I going to try and update weekly now. If I can stay constant, I should have a new chapter up by every Friday at the latest. Keep in mind that I won't be able to start the Revolutions segment until I get the DVD in April, as I only saw it in theaters once and don't remember it too well. Until then, perhaps I can keep updating with Matrix-themed advertisements or something.  
  
Disclaimer: As is somewhat obvious, I do not own The Matrix, The Legend of Zelda, The Ring, Def Jam, Kill Bill, The Simpsons, or anything else I may throw in here.  
  
3. Mr. Anderton  
  
In the Matrix.  
  
(Bane and Malachi crash through a window that is on the ceiling for some reason. As they land, glass rains down on them.)  
  
MALACHI: You alright.  
  
BANE: (makes a face that shows he is in pain)  
  
MALACHI: What's wrong with you?  
  
BANE: I have a piece of glass up my ass.  
  
MALACHI: (disgusted look) Okay.  
  
BANE: I'll be alright. What matters is this. (holds up envelope) The secret pepperoni formula we stole from Donato's.  
  
MALACHI: Now we can finally get decent pepperoni pizza instead of cheese.  
  
BANE: Yeah. I'm gonna be a second getting this thing out of my butt, so you go first.  
  
MALACHI: (takes envelope, jacks out)  
  
SMITH: (drops down into room, assimilates Bane)  
  
BANE: Oh God.  
  
SMITH: Smith will suffice.  
  
BANE: What the hell does that mean?  
  
SMITH: (shrugs)  
  
(The assimilation finishes, and another Smith is standing where Bane was. Smith straightens Bane/Smith's tie.)  
  
BANE/SMITH: Thank you.  
  
SMITH: No problem. Although, since you were just assimilated, how did you get your tie crooked in the first place?  
  
BANE/SMITH: (uncomfortable look)  
  
SMITH: What?  
  
BANE/SMITH: This guy had a piece of glass shoved up his ass.  
  
SMITH: (disgusted look) Okay.  
  
(Bane/Smith jacks out.)  
  
In Moe's Tavern/Zion.  
  
NEO: (drunk) So I said to him, I said, "You stop ruining my love life!", and he said, "Make me.", so I said, "Y'know what, I will!". Then I took out a machine gun, and I fired randomly into the air until I remembered, he's just a voice in my head!  
  
BARNEY GUMBLE: Oh, yeah. That happens to me all the time.  
  
HOMER SIMPSON: Barney, you don't have a machine gun.  
  
BARNEY: Yeah, well if I did, then that would happen to me all the time. I still hear voices in my head though.  
  
NEO: Oh. And what do they say to you?  
  
BARNEY: Well, that's the key to voices in your head. You've just got to ignore them, is all.  
  
NEO: Huh. Maybe I should try that. Then he won't bother me as much.  
  
(We shall see. We shall see.)  
  
NEO: Hey, it works! I can't hear him anymore!  
  
(Crap.)  
  
MOE: (on the phone) Uh huh. Hold on I'll check. (to bar) I.P. Freely. I'm looking for I.P. Freely. (everyone laughs) Hey wait a minute! (to phone) Why you little-! I'm gonna find you, and skin you alive! (hangs up, phone rings again) Moe's Tavern. Yeah. Hold on. (to bar) Neo. I'm looking for Neo.  
  
NEO: That's me. (Moe gives him the phone) Yeah?  
  
SERAPH: (on the phone) I bring word from the Oracle. You must come at once.  
  
NEO: And who the hell are you?  
  
SERAPH: I can't tell you yet. Just get your ass over here. (hangs up)  
  
NEO: Well, I need to go. See you later guys.  
  
HOMER: Bye Neo. (to Barney) So anyway, what did the voice in your head say before you started to ignore it?  
  
BARNEY: Ah, something about stop drinking so much alcohol and get a life.  
  
HOMER: Oh. Mine said something about come home for your son's birthday, but you're right, ignoring it does work.  
  
In Link's apartment.  
  
(Link is packing up his stuff, Zelda is sitting on her bed.)  
  
LINK: Morpheus said this would happen. I don't know. Maybe the prophecy is true, maybe it's not. All I know is, that ship needs an operator. And some comic relief.  
  
ZELDA: I know. (gives Link a trinket) I want you to have this.  
  
LINK: Zelda.  
  
ZELDA: It's always brought me luck. Maybe it'll bring me you.  
  
LINK: Huh? I'm right here.  
  
ZELDA: See? It works. Hell, just take it for the sake of it.  
  
LINK: (sees that the trinket is the Ocarina of Time) Aw, what the hell.  
  
In the docking bay.  
  
(The Neb crew is getting ready to board. Link has tied up Epona at the stable. Neo and Trinity aren't talking to each other.)  
  
MORPHEUS: (looks at Neo and Trinity) Oh grow up you two.  
  
TRINITY: He called me a bony bitch.  
  
NEO: She dumped me because I ACCIDENTLY called her a bony bitch.  
  
MORPHEUS: How do you accidentally call someone a bitch?  
  
NEO: It wasn't my fault! The author made me do it!  
  
(Technically, no, I didn't. You chose to repeat what I said, so it was really more your fault than mine.)  
  
NEO: Nobody asked you!  
  
MORPHEUS: Neo, I'm just trying to help.  
  
TRINITY: See? See? This is exactly what he did to me.  
  
NEO: But it's not my fault. It's the freaking author!  
  
MORPHEUS: Neo, you know just as well as I do that authors are non-existent. Myths, legends, nothing true. And yet you insist that he's talking to you?  
  
NEO: Yeah.  
  
MORPHEUS: Then why can't we hear him?  
  
NEO: Um, because I'm the One?  
  
MORPHEUS: Well, I guess that kind of makes sense. Whatever. Just kiss and make up you two.  
  
(Neo and Trinity embrace and kiss, then split apart.)  
  
TRINITY: You still haven't brushed your teeth.  
  
MORPHEUS: OK. Get your asses on the ship.  
  
In Chinatown/The Matrix.  
  
(Neo finally jacks back into the Matrix, only to realize that his bladder has remained constant while he was gone.)  
  
NEO: Oh crap! This is so embarrassing.  
  
(He rushes to a bathroom. Once he finishes taking care of business, he takes out his cell phone.)  
  
NEO: (on the phone) Link, I need a download for a change of pants.  
  
LINK: (chuckling) Yeah, we could tell.  
  
NEO: You saw that on the Neb?! I thought it wasn't real!  
  
MORPHEUS: Your mind makes it real.  
  
NEO: Ugh. Déjà vu again.  
  
(On some city street, a blonde is crossing the street, when the walk sign turns into a don't walk sign, and she gets run over.)  
  
AGENT BOB: (with Déjà vu remote) Hehehehehe.  
  
AGENT BILL: Give me that! (takes Déjà vu remote)  
  
AGENT BOB: Awwww.  
  
AGENT BILL: Damn rookies.  
  
Back in Chinatown.  
  
NEO: Anyway, give me a pants change.  
  
LINK: Now what makes you think I have a download for that?  
  
NEO: What?! You mean I have to walk around with soiled trousers.  
  
LINK, MORPHEUS, & TRINITY: Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
(Hahahahahahahaha!)  
  
NEO: ARGH! I hate you people! (hangs up) And you can just shut up too!  
  
(Hehehe. Oh man, you are just, hehehe.)  
  
NEO: This is your fault. Why didn't you tell me this would happen?  
  
(Why do you think? Hehehe.)  
  
NEO: (tries to keep dignity, walks into the marketplace) Wow. The Japanese a really short.  
  
SOME CHINESE GUY: Damnit! We are Chinese! CHINESE! Not Japanese, Chinese!  
  
NEO: Erm, okay. Chill out dude.  
  
CHINESE GUY: Hey mister. You gotta use the bathroom?  
  
NEO: Urgh! (punches Chinese guy's lights out)  
  
(Hehehehehe.)  
  
NEO: Oh shut up.  
  
(Neo enters some random building, and sees Seraph meditating.)  
  
NEO: Uh, hello.  
  
SERAPH: (stands up)  
  
NEO: Are you the guy who told me to come here over the phone?  
  
SERAPH: (in heavily Asian accent) You seek the Oracle.  
  
NEO: Uh, yeah.  
  
SERAPH: I can take you to her. But first I must apologize.  
  
NEO: For what? Yelling at me over the phone?  
  
SERAPH: No. For this.  
  
NEO: What's THIS?  
  
(Seraph punches Neo in the face. Neo falls over, unconscious.)  
  
5 minutes later.  
  
NEO: (wakes up) What was that for?!  
  
SERAPH: I had to be sure.  
  
NEO: Of what?  
  
SERAPH: That you are the One.  
  
NEO: You had to be sure of that I am the One? That doesn't make grammatical sense.  
  
SERAPH: You're right. Let's try that again. I had to be sure.  
  
NEO: Of what?  
  
SERAPH: Of the fact that you are the One. Better?  
  
NEO: Yeah, but you could have just asked.  
  
SERAPH: You do not truly know someone until you fight them.  
  
NEO: That's a crap philosophy.  
  
SERAPH: Yeah, I know. I was just bored, is all. But anyway, now I know that you are the One.  
  
NEO: How do you figure?  
  
SERAPH: The One can fly and strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. But he is a crap fighter.  
  
NEO: Yeah. Wait, I thought you were the One.  
  
SERAPH: Huh?  
  
NEO: Aren't you Jet Li?  
  
SERAPH: WHAT? I am not!  
  
(Nah, he looks more like Jackie Chan.)  
  
NEO: Eh, I can see the resemblance to Jackie Chan. But I still think he looks like Jet Li.  
  
SERAPH: I am not Chan or Li. I could kick both of their asses.  
  
(Jet Li and Jackie Chan enter.)  
  
JET LI: What was that?!  
  
JACKIE CHAN: Bring it on!  
  
SERAPH: Shit. (turns his back to Neo, passes Jet and Jackie each $20, winking)  
  
JET LI: Oh yeah. This guy. He kicked our asses before.  
  
JACKIE CHAN: Oh yeah. I remember that. Let's get out of here. (leaves with Jet Li)  
  
NEO: I still think he looks like Chow Yun Fat.  
  
(What are you talking about? There's no resemblance between the two.)  
  
NEO: Bruce Lee?  
  
(Neo, Bruce Lee is dead.)  
  
NEO: Oh. Whatever.  
  
SERAPH: Are you done?  
  
NEO: Yeah, sorry.  
  
SERAPH: Now that you're finished talking to yourself, I will take you to the Oracle. (looks down, then back up at Neo) Eh, do you have to go to the bathroom?  
  
NEO: (through clenched teeth) Shut up.  
  
(Hehehehehe.)  
  
SERAPH: (chuckling) Okay, okay. (opens door to hallway, pushes Neo in, closes door behind him)  
  
NEO: WTF?! Where the hell are we?!  
  
SERAPH: Welcome, to the Never-ending Hallway! Also known as the Infinitely Long Hallway, the World of Doors, and the really really long stretchy hallway placey place.  
  
NEO: Right. So these are backdoors?  
  
SERAPH: Yes. (pointing) That's little Jimmy's backdoor, that's Suzy's backdoor, and that's Charlie's backdoor. The rest are program outlets.  
  
NEO: Are you a programmer?  
  
SERAPH: No. I'm a programee.  
  
NEO: (frowns)  
  
SERAPH: That didn't make any sense did it? Alright then, I'm a non- programmer.  
  
NEO: Okay then, what are you?  
  
SERAPH: I protect that which matters most.  
  
NEO: No, see, you did it again. You are protect that which matters most? I asked you what you are, not what you do.  
  
SERAPH: You're right. Ask again.  
  
NEO: What are you?  
  
SERAPH: I am the one who protects that which matters most.  
  
(Seraph opens a door. Inside is Bill Gates in the shower.)  
  
NEO: WTF?!  
  
BILL GATES: Gahh! Seraph, I told you to bring me my coffee after I was out of the shower, AFTER!  
  
SERAPH: He he he. Sorry sir.  
  
BILL: Now get out!  
  
(Seraph closes the door.)  
  
NEO: Perv.  
  
SERAPH: I must know everything I can about my master. Did you know he was programming Windows XP 2 in there?  
  
NEO: While he was in the shower? That's just weird.  
  
SERAPH: Yeah. Anyway, you wanted to see the Oracle?  
  
NEO: Huh? Oh, yeah.  
  
SERAPH: Alright then. (unlocks other door, leading to a park, where the Oracle is sitting on a bench feeding birds, Neo approaches)  
  
ORACLE: Well come on, I'm not gonna bite you.  
  
NEO: (stands next to Oracle)  
  
ORACLE: My, my, look at you. You turned out all right didn't you?  
  
NEO: I've got a-  
  
ORACLE: I know you've got a bone to pick with me.  
  
NEO: Why did you tell me I wasn't the One?  
  
ORACLE: Did I tell you that?  
  
NEO: Yeah. Now I'm confused.  
  
(You're always confused.)  
  
NEO: Would you just-  
  
ORACLE: Why don't you have a sit this time.  
  
NEO: Maybe I'll stand.  
  
ORACLE: (angry) Boy, sit your ass down right now! Didn't your mamma teach you any manners?! Sit down!  
  
NEO: (sits)  
  
ORACLE: (calms down) Anyway, let's get to what we are supposed to talk about.  
  
NEO: OK. Do you know about-  
  
ORACLE: The voice in your head? Yes, I do. It is the author.  
  
NEO: No shit.  
  
ORACLE: Don't you backsaws me boy! I'm the Oracle, damnit!  
  
NEO: Alright, calm down. So, what does he want?  
  
ORACLE: He doesn't have much to do in life other than meditate, play violent games, and predict Armageddon, so he finds pleasure in torturing your existence.  
  
NEO: But why?  
  
ORACLE: He just doesn't like you. Thinks you're a jackass. Don't blame him really, but that's not the point. (offers him corn that she's been feeding birds with) Corn?  
  
NEO: Uh, okay. (takes corn, starts to eat it) You're not human, are you?  
  
ORACLE: Well, it's tough to be as old as I am naturally, so no.  
  
NEO: Then why are you here?  
  
ORACLE: Same reason as you. I hate birds.  
  
NEO: Huh? Then why are you feeding them?  
  
ORACLE: Poisoned corn.  
  
NEO: (spits out the corn at once, choking and gagging, he then notices that all of the birds are dead)  
  
ORACLE: Damn. (Seraph approaches Oracle)  
  
SERAPH: We must go.  
  
ORACLE: Our time is up, so I'll make this quick. You need to find the Source and end the Slurpee war, but to do that you need the Nut Cracker.  
  
NEO: The., what, sorry?  
  
ORACLE: The Nut Cracker. He's being held hostage by the Merovingian. Be at his Chateau, at exactly 3:00, and you may have a chance. Bye. (leaves with Seraph)  
  
NEO: (shakes his head, turns around to see Smith)  
  
SMITH: (stepping on dead birds) Mr. Anderton.  
  
NEO: It's Anderson.  
  
SMITH: Whatever. Did you get my package?  
  
NEO: .., you mean you sent me that tacky Christmas sweater?  
  
SMITH: What the hell? No, the other package.  
  
NEO: Oh, the CD player. Yeah, I got it.  
  
SMITH: Good. Can I have it back?  
  
NEO: No.  
  
SMITH: What? Give me my damn CD player!  
  
NEO: Alright, alright. Touchy. (gives Smith the CD player)  
  
SMITH: Thank you.  
  
NEO: Wait a minute. Aren't you supposed to be dead.  
  
SMITH: Yes, but the Wachowskis resurrected me for some stupid, unexplained reason. Not that different from your old operator.  
  
NEO: So they traded Tank for bringing you back?  
  
SMITH: Yeah, I guess they were too lazy to come up with a new chief villain.  
  
NEO: So do you know who our new operator is? He's a tall, black guy with braids, long ears, and a green tunic.  
  
SMITH: (nods and tosses Neo a copy of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)  
  
NEO: (whistles) Wow, when Morpheus finds out about this-  
  
SMITH: We're getting off subject.  
  
NEO: So?  
  
SMITH: So typical of you Mr. Anchorson, acting like a fool.  
  
NEO: It's Anderson.  
  
SMITH: Whatever.  
  
(Ludacris enters.)  
  
LUDACRIS: Did somebody say act a fool?  
  
NEO: Hey Cris, my man!  
  
LUDACRIS: Wassup, my homie!  
  
(They do that secret handshake thing that black people do.)  
  
NEO: What're you doing here?  
  
LUDACRIS: Man dog, Morpheus freed my mind. Like wow!  
  
NEO: Cool.  
  
LUDACRIS: So, did I hear someone say act a fool?  
  
SMITH: That was me.  
  
NEO & LUDACRIS: (sing Ludacris' song "Act a Fool")  
  
(I don't remember the lyrics, but you know what I mean.)  
  
NEO & LUDACRIS: (finish singing)  
  
(You.cannot.sing.)  
  
NEO: Shut up. You're just jealous.  
  
(snort)  
  
LUDACRIS: Yo Neo, man, who you talking to?  
  
NEO: The author, my own inner critic.  
  
LUDACRIS: Whatever man, it's cool. (looks down, then back up at Neo) Eh, you need to use the bathroom?  
  
NEO: (through clenched teeth) Please be quiet.  
  
(Hehehehehe. I never get tired of that.)  
  
LUDACRIS: (chuckling) Uh huh. All right man. (sits on bench to watch the proceedings)  
  
SMITH: ANYWAY, since we just wasted enough time there, I'll make this quick so we can fight. I can copy myself, blah blah blah, something about purpose, blah blah blah, time to take what you took from us.  
  
NEO: What "us"?  
  
SMITH: (taps his foot and checks his watch) Now.  
  
(9 more Smiths enter the park.)  
  
SMITH: There, let's just do this thing.  
  
(Smith assimilates Neo, Neo fights it off, the Burly Brawl (what a stupid name) begins.)  
  
(Neo and the Smiths fight. Neo grabs one of the Smiths and flips him toward the others. 5 of them dodge it, then the 6th guy gets hit and falls over. Bet he feels like an idiot. The fight continues. During several hilarious moments, Neo sends one of the Smiths flying into the air. A lady with her groceries walks past, then turns into Agent Bill, who starts to head toward the fight, when he is stopped by Smith.)  
  
AGENT BILL: You.  
  
SMITH: Yes, me.  
  
(The Bride enters.)  
  
AGENT BILL: You!  
  
THE BRIDE: Bill! You bastard! I'll fucking cut you down, you piece of shit!  
  
AGENT BILL: Crap!  
  
(Smith assimilates Agent Bill, and they both run towards the battle, followed by about 38 other Smiths.)  
  
THE BRIDE: Which one is Bill?! Argh! I'll just kill all of them!  
  
(The Bride enters the battle and starts killing all of the Smiths with her katana. Neo and all of the Smiths are constantly being punched in the face, but for some reason their glasses don't break. Neo gets knocked into the bench Ludacris is sitting on. Ludacris quickly jumps off to avoid being crushed.)  
  
LUDACRIS: Man dogs, you don't just knock my homie around like that!  
  
(Ludacris joins the fight, fighting the Smiths with wrestling moves courtesy of Def Jam Vendetta. Neo picks himself up and rips a stop sign out of the ground, twirling it around menacingly. The Smiths, the Bride, and Ludacris all stare at him with a "WTF?!" look on their faces. Neo begins to fight them with the stop sign as a weapon as 50 more Smiths enter. Neo, Ludacris, and the Bride are kicking the Smiths' asses, until they bend Neo's stop sign in half, then dog pile the three of them. Suddenly, everyone's sunglasses combust.)  
  
SMITHS: Oh well, it was inevitable, Mr. Akerthan.  
  
NEO: It's Anderson! (breaks free of dog pile, Smiths go fling into the air)  
  
SMITHS: (flying through the air) Whaaaateeeeveeeeeer.  
  
(Neo grabs Ludacris and the Bride and flies out of there.)  
  
THE BRIDE: I'll get you Bill!  
  
(Smith watches them fly away. Then turns to his copies.)  
  
SMITH: Well, that's that. Who wants pizza?  
  
SMITHS: (all at once) ME!  
  
On the Neb.  
  
(Neo wakes up, and sees Ludacris and the Bride are also waking up.)  
  
NEO: Huh? What are they doing here?  
  
MORPHEUS: We got tired of waiting for you, so we freed a few more minds. Now we have more crew positions filled.  
  
NEO: Uh huh. Alright, now if you'll excuse me.(shambles off to the bathroom)  
  
THE BRIDE: Is Bill on this ship?  
  
LINK: Erm, no.  
  
THE BRIDE: I'll fucking kill him!  
  
TRINITY: Uh, okay.  
  
(Everyone edges away from the Bride.)  
  
On the next chapter:  
  
Neo and co. meet the Merovingian  
  
Neo has to kiss his slutty wife  
  
Neo finds the Nut Cracker  
  
Neo's friends do a cool car chase scene without him  
  
Neo is plagued by my meddling in his life  
  
Please Review 


	4. The Nut Cracker

The Modem Reloaded/Revolutions  
  
I would appreciate it if I could get a few more reviews. I like to know if my work is enjoyed or hated, and if the latter is so, how I can sculpt it to make it a bit more enjoyable. So, um, is anyone else looking forward to The Matrix Online? Alright, I'll stop stalling. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy, and please review.  
  
Disclaimer: I probably do look like I own The Matrix, but I don't. I also don't own Def Jam, Kill Bill, The Simpsons, The Ring, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or anything else I put in here.  
  
4. The Nut Cracker  
  
In the Zion meeting chamber...  
  
LOCK: The machines will breach the Zion dock at, meh, 12:00 midnight. We're fucked if we can't get every single ship we have in those tunnels and launch our EMPs right up the sentinels' asses.  
  
HAMMAN: Shut up Lock. That's the most bullshit plan I've ever heard of. It'll never work.  
  
LOCK: It could...  
  
HAMMAN: No, it couldn't. It would be too easy, and not dramatic enough. We all know that someone would sabotage the operation.  
  
BANE: (looks around whistling)  
  
LOCK: Well, does anyone have a better idea?  
  
(Crickets chirp in the silence.)  
  
KID: (quietly sneaks up next to Niobe, and passes her Neo, Trinity, and Link's credit cards, winking)  
  
NIOBE: (takes the cards, passes Kid $50, winking)  
  
LOCK: Alright then. We'll go with my plan.  
  
COUNCILORS: (whispering to each other) He's getting his way, quick, we need to find a way to piss him off.  
  
HEAD COUNCILOR: Commander Lock, we think you're plan is full of crap and is going to fail miserably, but we've decided to let you fuck yourself. However, has there been any word from the Nebachanezzar?  
  
LOCK: No, no word. Considering they only left about an hour ago, I don't know why you're worrying.  
  
HEAD COUNCILOR: We need Neo here as a back up when your plan inevitably screws over. I believe that we should send a ship to assertain the fate of the One.  
  
LOCK: This is crazy.  
  
HAMMAN: Careful, Commander.  
  
LOCK: Say what?! You people swear up a storm, then tell me to be careful when I say this is crazy?!  
  
HAMMAN: I mean you should be careful when calling our plan crazy, or we'll have to beat your ass.  
  
LOCK: Forgive my frustration, Councilor. It's just I have no idea what the word "assertain" means.  
  
HAMMAN: We don't care. Send a ship or two to find the Neb.  
  
LOCK: It could take a single ship days to find them.  
  
HAMMAN: That's why I said to send two, dumbass.  
  
LOCK: Our defenses cannot suffer the loss of two ships.  
  
HAMMAN: Too damn bad. Any of you captains brave enough to find the Neb?  
  
(Crickets chirp in the silence.)  
  
HAMMAN: Would someone get rid of those damn crickets!  
  
SOREN: (stands up) Captain Soren of the Icaris will answer the councilors call.  
  
HAMMAN: Thank you, Captain Soren, for volunteering to help find the Neb.  
  
SOREN: The Neb? I was talking about the crickets.  
  
HAMMAN: Tough shit. Anyone else?  
  
NIOBE & GHOST: (whispering to each other)  
  
HEAD COUNCILOR: Is there no other?  
  
LOCK: It would be hard for any man to risk his life for no good reason.  
  
NIOBE: (stands up, pissed off) Just because of that sexist comment, Captain Niobe of the Logos will answer the councilor's call.  
  
HAMMAN: Thank you for volunteering to exterminate the crickets.  
  
NIOBE: I was talking about the Neb.  
  
HAMMAN: Suit yourself. (to self) Crap, now I'll have to do it.  
  
In the Matrix...  
  
(Like a pack of salmon, Morpheus and his crew move against the crowd, the only people going that way. They get on the elevator, but forbid anyone else to get on.)  
  
GUY: (as the doors close) Jackass.  
  
MORPHEUS: Dickwipe.  
  
(Everyone stares at him, then shakes their head.)  
  
MORPHEUS: (checks watch) We made good time getting here. It's exactly 3:00.  
  
(They get off the elevator and go to the reservationist.)  
  
RESERVATIONIST: Vuish bu da de?  
  
NEO: Bless you.  
  
LUDACRIS: Your mama.  
  
THE BRIDE: Where's Bill?!  
  
TRINITY: WTF?  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes. We're here to see the Merovingian.  
  
TRINITY: You understand French?  
  
MORPHEUS: No, I was agreeing with you.  
  
RESERVATIONIST: He's been expecting you. But you're late!  
  
MORPHEUS: What? No we're not! We're just on time!  
  
RESERVATIONIST: Wrong. It is in fact, 3:01! You are late!  
  
NEO: By one minute? That's pretty crappy.  
  
RESERVATIONIST: Meh, you're right. No one will really care anyway. Follow me.  
  
(He takes them to the table in the restraunt where the Merovingian is sitting with his wife and his henchmen, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Leatherface, and two albino dreadlock twins who are giving off an odor. They all sit down.)  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Ah ha, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself. Right?  
  
NEO: I think so.  
  
(Dumbass.)  
  
NEO: Shut up.  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Wha-? Never mind. And the legendary Morpheus.  
  
NEO: (snorts)  
  
FREDDY: (to Morpheus) You look kind of familiar.  
  
MEROVINGIAN: And of course (someone whispers in his ear) Trinity. And, (to Ludacris and the Bride) who the hell are you two?  
  
LUDACRIS: Some call me Ludacris, some call me Mr. Wiggles.  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Uh huh. And you?  
  
THE BRIDE: Are you Bill?!  
  
MEROVINGIAN: What? No.  
  
THE BRIDE: (to Freddy) Are you Bill?!  
  
FREDDY: (clicks his claws menacingly) No.  
  
THE BRIDE: (to Jason) Are you Bill?!  
  
JASON: (is scratching his ass, not paying attention)  
  
FREDDY: No. (pointing to Michael, who is sitting with a blank expression on his face) Neither is he. (pointing to Leatherface, who is giving himself a haircut with his chainsaw) And neither is he. So I advise you to shut the fuck up, bitch.  
  
THE BRIDE: You want to start something?!  
  
FREDDY: Bring it on bitch!  
  
THE BRIDE: (sees Bill Gates in the restraunt) Bill! I found you, you bastard!  
  
BILL GATES: Shit! She found me! Help me Seraph!  
  
SERAPH: (sitting next to Bill Gates) Yes sir. (to the Bride) This is not the Bill you seek. The one you seek is just out here. I can take you to him. (takes the Bride outside the restraunt)  
  
THE BRIDE: (voice from outside) Well?! Where is he?!  
  
SERAPH: (voice from outside) First I must apologize.  
  
THE BRIDE: For what?!  
  
SERAPH: For this.  
  
(Loud ass kicking noises are heard. Seraph returns to his seat, looking satisfied. Morpheus's cell phone rings.)  
  
MORPHEUS: (on the phone) What is it Link?  
  
LINK: (on the phone) Sir, the Bride is dead.  
  
MORPHEUS: Well good riddance. (hangs up)  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Any motherfucking way, what can I do for you people?  
  
MORPHEUS: We are looking for the, um, Nut Cracker.  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Uh huh. How much you willing to pay for him?  
  
MORPHEUS: Well, let's see. (reaches for his wallet, but it isn't there) WTF?! Where's my wallet?!  
  
NEO: Chill out. I'll pay for him. (reaches for his wallet, it isn't there) Hey, my wallet's gone too!  
  
TRINITY: (checks) So is mine!  
  
(Morpheus' phone rings, he answers it.)  
  
LINK: (over phone) Mine too!  
  
MORPHEUS: Shut up Link, no one asked you. (hangs up)  
  
NEO: Huh. Well, is there another way we could work this?  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Tough luck. Look over there.  
  
(They look and see a woman sitting at a table.)  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Look at that woman. My God, just look at her.  
  
NEO: Aren't you already married? Should you really be looking at other women?  
  
PERSEPHONE: Yeah!  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Um, anyway, see that cake she's about to eat? I filled it with laxatives.  
  
NEO: Sicko.  
  
MEROVINGIAN: No, watch.  
  
(The woman eats the cake, then looks sick, and then she lets loose an extremely noisy outburst of flatulence. Everyone else in the restraunt looks at her, and starts laughing. The Merovingian and his henchmen laugh their heads off. Neo cracks up. Bill Gates and Seraph are laughing like crazy. Morpheus is struggling very hard not to laugh. Then she lets out another one, even louder than the first, and everyone cracks up twice as hard. It's amazing how some people are so amused by bathroom humor.)  
  
NEO: Shut up, you laugh your ass off when I stained myself.  
  
(I was laughing at your displeasure, not the stain itself.)  
  
NEO: Whatever.  
  
(The twins are laughing strangely at the same time. Everyone stops laughing and stares at them with a weird expression.)  
  
TWINS: What?  
  
(The woman leaves, with a brown spot on the rear of her dress.)  
  
MEROVINGIAN: (sighs) Ah, good times, good times.  
  
TRINITY: Did that have any relevance at all to what we were talking about?  
  
MEROVINGIAN: No, not really. It was pretty funny though. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some real business to attend to, so bye.  
  
PERSEPHONE: Where are you going?  
  
MEROVINGIAN: I drank too much wine, I must take a piss. So scram. (leaves)  
  
(The Merovingian's henchmen see the Neb crew to the elevator. As the door closes, one of the twins makes a kissy face at Trinity, and gets his lips stuck in the door.)  
  
FREDDY: (to Twin #1) Well? Help your brother out.  
  
TWIN #1: (helps Twin #2 get his lips out of the elevator door, Twin #2's lips are now sagging)  
  
TWIN #2: Man, that's not cool.  
  
TWIN #1: No it isn't.  
  
In elevator...  
  
NEO: Well, that didn't go very well. It was kind of funny though.  
  
MORPHEUS: Neo, don't be so inappropriate.  
  
NEO: Shut up, you were laughing with the best of us.  
  
MORPHEUS: Er, so, did the Oracle say anything else?  
  
NEO: Nope. She was a bit vague on the whole. She went on about birds and crap like that.  
  
TRINITY: Did we do something wrong?  
  
LUDACRIS: Yeah, man, we kept getting off topic and shit.  
  
TRINITY: Shut up, you're not even supposed to be here.  
  
(Well, I can take care of that.)  
  
LUDACRIS: (disappears in a puff of black smoke)  
  
(Morpheus' phone rings, he answers.)  
  
LINK: Sir, Ludacris has just vanished from the entire Matrix.  
  
MORPHEUS: We know that, Link. Throw out the dead bodies.  
  
LINK: Yes sir.  
  
(Link dumps the dead bodies out of the Neb. Later, some sentinels find them.)  
  
SENTINEL: Cool! Dead humans! Let's take them to Duex Ex Machina and say we killed them!  
  
(The Bride opens her eyes.)  
  
THE BRIDE: Are you Bill?!  
  
SENTINEL: WTF?! No. On second thought, let's just leave them here.  
  
Back in the Matrix...  
  
(The elevator doors open, and Persephone is waiting for them.)  
  
PERSEPHONE: If you want the Nut Cracker, follow me.  
  
(They follow her into the men's room, where a man is using it.)  
  
PERSEPHONE: Get out.  
  
BEN STILLER: Alright, alright, geez. Just let me wash my hands. Don't want to risk getting germs or anything.  
  
PERSEPHONE: OUT!  
  
(Ben Stiller leaves.)  
  
PERSEPHONE: OK, I'll make this quick, since Trinity and I aren't supposed to be in here. I'll give you the Nut Cracker if Neo makes out with me.  
  
TRINITY: What?! Hell no!  
  
NEO: This sounds suspicious. How can I trust you?  
  
PERSEPHONE: If I don't give you the Nut Cracker, she can shoot me.  
  
TRINITY: (quickly grabs her gun and levels it at Persephone's head)  
  
NEO: Alright. (kisses Persephone)  
  
PERSEPHONE: Terrible. Just forget it.  
  
TRINITY: YEAH!  
  
PERSEPHONE: Oh crap.  
  
(Trinity shoots Persephone down. Yeah, bitch power! They grab the key to the Nut Cracker's cell from Persephone's purse and leave. Neo opens the door to the Nut Cracker's cell and opens it. Inside there are shelves upon shelves of wooden nutcrackers. Sitting at a table is an old Chinese man. He stands up walks over to Neo, and kicks him in the nuts. Neo bends over in pain clutching his sac. Ha ha.)  
  
NEO: Shut...up...  
  
NUTCRACKER: (managing to keep a straight face) I'm the Nut Cracker. I've been waiting for you.  
  
(The group leaves and enters the main hall, where they meet the Merovingian and his cronies.)  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Oh gocien no spiol moca ren.  
  
NEO: Bless you.  
  
MORPHEUS: Your mama!  
  
TRINITY: WTF?!  
  
MORPHEUS: Yes.  
  
MEROVINGIAN: OK, that was weird. (to twins) You two, get the Nut Cracker.  
  
(There is a loud farting sound as the twins ghost into fart gas. Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, the Nut Cracker, and the Merovingian all hold their noses. Freddy tries to hold his nose, but accidentally slices his nose off. Leatherface doesn't have a real nose, and Jason tries to hold his nose through his hockey mask, but to no avail. Michael just stands there, not doing anything.)  
  
TRINITY: (through held nose) That's a nasty trick.  
  
TWINS: (ghost through the floor, everyone can breathe again)  
  
NUTCRACKER: I cannot go back! (runs away)  
  
NEO: Get him, I'll handle this. (Morpheus and Trinity leave)  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Handle us. You'll handle us. You know your predecessors had a lot more respect.  
  
NEO: My whats?  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Um, nothing.  
  
(Freddy, Jason, Michael, and Leatherface all take out machine guns and open fire upon Neo. Neo holds up his hand to repel them, but gets hit by every single bullet. They run out of ammo, and Neo is lying in a heap on the floor, covered with bullet-holes. Sucker. He stands up.)  
  
NEO: Is it over?  
  
(They all reload and continue firing at Neo. When they are completely out of ammo, Neo stands up, trembling, his clothing tattered, bullet-holes all over his body.)  
  
FREDDY: Why won't you die?!  
  
(They all drop their guns and pick up their machetes, knives, and chainsaws, and attack Neo. Neo fights them, dodging all of their attacks, never having the common sense to grab one of the plentiful weapons hanging on the wall. Leatherface slashes at Neo with his chainsaw, but Neo leaps over the blow, causing Leatherface to accidentally cut Michael's head off.)  
  
MICHAEL: (head rolling along the floor) Now that was just uncalled for.  
  
(Jason slashes at Neo with his machete, and Neo blocks the blow with his hand, then kicks Jason into the wall. His hand is bleeding.)  
  
MEROVINGIAN: You see he's just a man.  
  
NEO: Oh yeah? (to Freddy) Well you're just a crusty boogeyman, (to Jason) and you're just a really pissed off goalie, (to Leatherface) you're just a leather addict in an apron, (to Michael) and you, well, I have no idea what the hell you are. (to Merovingian) And YOU! You're French!  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Kill him.  
  
(Neo finally has the common sense to grab a sword. He fights of Jason with it as they move up the stairs. He then impales Jason and pushes him off the ledge. He jumps down, and Freddy and Leatherface jump after him. Freddy tries to slash at Neo, but accidentally rips Leatherface's brains out. Freddy grabs the chainsaw and slashes wildly at Neo. He loses his balance and falls on his ass. Neo grabs the chainsaw and cuts Freddy's head in half.)  
  
MEROVINGIAN: Damnit, I always knew crusty boogeymen would be the end of me. Mark my words, boy. I have survived your predecessors, and I will survive you.  
  
(The Merovingian turns around and walks into the door. Rubbing his head, he opens the door, enters it, and closes it behind him. Neo opens the door to find himself in the mountains.)  
  
NEO: Crap. I'm in middle-earth.  
  
GANDALF: You must be the one who must take the One Ring to Mount Doom and destroy it.  
  
NEO: Hell no! I've got enough to deal with without this shit. (pushes Gandalf off the ledge)  
  
GANDALF: Noooooooooooooooooooo...  
  
NEO: (on the phone) What's happening Link?  
  
LINK: You're not going to believe this, but you're not even in this world any more.  
  
NEO: Really? (sticks his head back in the door)  
  
LINK: Now you are.  
  
NEO: (sticks his head back out)  
  
LINK: Now you're not. Now you are. Now you're-Stop that!  
  
NEO: Hey, don't talk like that to me, or I'll bust you. I've got a copy of this game you were in.  
  
LINK: Anything you want, ANYTHING!  
  
NEO: Well-  
  
In the parking lot...  
  
(The Nut Cracker enters the parking lot, followed by Trinity and Morpheus, who proves his common sense is greater than Neo's by grabbing a katana. The twins are chasing them.)  
  
NUTCRACKER: Close the door! Quick!  
  
(Trinity closes the door before the twins can reach it.)  
  
TWIN #1: Well crap. Now we're screwed.  
  
TWIN #2: Yes we are. Why didn't you stick your arm in the way of the door or something?  
  
TWIN #1: I don't know. Probably should have, huh? Well now the boss is gonna kill us.  
  
TWIN #2: Yes he is.  
  
TWIN #1: Unless, we go into hiding and don't show up for the next movie. Then he won't be able to kill us. We're pointless characters anyway.  
  
TWIN #2: Yes we are.  
  
TWIN #1: Do you have to agree with everything I say?  
  
TWIN #2: Well excuse me for trying to be a good brother.  
  
TWIN #1: That's not being a good brother, that's just being annoying.  
  
TWIN #2: Well fine then. Screw you.  
  
In the mountains...  
  
LINK: OK, and that's my credit card number and-, oh shit!  
  
NEO: What?  
  
LINK: Those twin things aren't going after Morpheus and Trinity!  
  
NEO: So? Isn't that a good thing?  
  
LINK: No, because that means that there won't be a really cool freeway chase scene. And agents are after them!  
  
NEO: So? Sure, they were the big deal in the last movie, but no one cares about them now. They probably won't even show up in the next movie.  
  
LINK: Well, how was I meant to know. I wasn't even here for the first movie! Anyway, they'll probably need a pick up.  
  
NEO: Where are they?  
  
LINK: On the freeway, 900 miles due south or something like that.  
  
(Neo flies off to find his comrades.)  
  
On the freeway...  
  
(Morpheus, Trinity, and the Nut Cracker are standing on a bridge overlooking the freeway.)  
  
MORPHEUS: How'd we get here?  
  
TRINITY: Beats me.  
  
MORPHEUS: Well get him out of here.  
  
NUTCRACKER: What am I, a sack of potatoes to be lugged around at people's leisure?  
  
TRINITY: Shut up. Morpheus, what are you going to do?  
  
MORPHEUS: I'm just going to stand here with my sword dramatically for several minutes, while you grab a motorcycle and take him as far as you can, then you turn around and come right back where you came from. Then I'll jump on a truck, we'll meet, you'll give him to me and go off by yourself, while I fight an agent and get saved by Neo.  
  
TRINITY: That's the most bullshit plan I've ever heard in my life. How about you go on the truck with him and fight the agent, while I save my own ass by going on the motorcycle, then Neo saves you. That will be much quicker.  
  
MORPHEUS: What, and deny the audience a cool car chase?  
  
TRINITY: The audience doesn't give a shit.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yes we do!  
  
TRINITY: It's sad how people go to the movies then yell at the characters on screen.  
  
(My friend Carl is whistling right now.)  
  
MORPHEUS: Trinity, you're acting like a fool.  
  
(Ludacris enters.)  
  
LUDACRIS: (opens his mouth)  
  
TRINITY: Shut up. Go away.  
  
(Ludacris pouts and leaves.)  
  
MORPHEUS: (grabs the Nut Cracker and jumps onto a passing truck)  
  
NUTCRACKER: You people are crazy!  
  
(Trinity jumps onto a passing motorcycle and rides off, and an agent materializes out of nowhere and lands on the truck.)  
  
AGENT JACK: The great Morpheus. We meet at last.  
  
MORPHEUS: And you are?  
  
AGENT JACK: A Jack. Agent Jack.  
  
MORPHEUS: You all look the same to me. Hey wait, Déjà vu.  
  
(On some city street, a Muslim is crossing the street, when the walk sign turns into a don't walk sign, and he gets run over.)  
  
SMITH/AGENT BILL: Sweet! This guy had the Déjà vu remote!  
  
SMITH: Lucky bastard.  
  
(Back on the truck, Agent Jack is kicking Morpheus' ass. Morpheus remembers that he has a katana, and he starts kicking Agent Jack's ass with it until he accidentally drops it off the truck.)  
  
MORPHEUS: Crap.  
  
(Agent Jack kicks Morpheus off the truck. He hits the street running and falls on his face, then flips onto a car because of friction. It turns out to be Niobe's car.)  
  
NIOBE: Well, what were the odds of that? Hey baby.  
  
MORPHEUS: YOU! You stole my wallet!  
  
NIOBE: Shit. Um, you see I...  
  
MORPHEUS: Get me to the front of the truck.  
  
NIOBE: Sure. (drives him to the front of the truck)  
  
(Morpheus leaps off the car onto the truck in a kicking position, aiming to kick Agent Jack off. He instead kicks the Nut Cracker, and the two of them go flying off the truck into a car. Agent Jack stands there, confused, then sees the other truck coming at him.)  
  
AGENT JACK: Shit.  
  
(The trucks collide, and Agent Jack goes flying. Neo flies down and catches him, then flies him up away from the explosion.)  
  
NEO: Wait a minute. You're not Morpheus!  
  
(He drops the agent into the explosion.)  
  
AGENT JACK: Nooooooooooooooooooo...  
  
(Dumbass.)  
  
NEO: You again! I thought you were finally going to leave me alone!  
  
(Dare to dream.)  
  
NEO: Whatever...  
  
(Neo flies down to a parked car, with Morpheus and the Nut Cracker laying unconscious through the windshield. Neo grabs them and flies away.)  
  
BEN STILLER: I am going to sue you for this! My insurance does not cover PMS!  
  
On the next chapter...  
  
Neo and co. plan to destroy a power plant, but it never happens.  
  
Neo revisits the Never-Ending Hallway.  
  
Neo watches as the prologue re-enacts itself.  
  
Neo and I meet face to face.  
  
Neo learns of the modem.  
  
I leave you with a crappy cliffhanger.  
  
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